Need some advice on a grim subject

Debbie Deutsch

Ok, I'm taking a chance here and going way off voice topics and asking for some advice. Something very sad happened to my
19-yr old son last Thursday and we're worried about him.
He's a lifeguard and a waiter at Red Robin Restaurants, and is just finishing his 2nd college year in Behavioral Neuro Science with a Biology Minor. He is very focused, practical and confident. He's an Eagle Scout, he's a "pleaser", and an "accomplisher", and role model to his brother and kids in the neighborhood.
Well, last Thursday, he discovered a dead body!
He's been doing yard work for a couple of years for a few senior citizens in a gated community just 10 minutes away.
Sweet little 85-yr old Viola (with a humped back and very tiny) left a phone message and asked him to help in her garden anytime that week. He had some free time on Thursday and called twice but she didn't answer, so he said, "Mom, I'm going over there anyway." Of course, her door was ajar, so he walked in, calling her name, and then found her on the bathroom floor. He called me so upset and so panicked! I didn't have my car at the time (his brother had it!!) and I told him to call 911 and run to the office at the same time. Police and Fire arrived in just a few minutes and took over. The police interviewed him and he signed paperwork. They took him back into the house and tried to get him to help them find her address book, photographs of family and such. That upset him too.
Looks like she had been gone for two days (a neighbor had spoken with her on Tuesday)

Anyway...he can't get that picture out of his mind, of her foot sticking into the hallway and knowing he HAD to go check her, but dreaded every step.
Well, here's the problem...he has changed. Scott is sad, and seems to be just going thru the motions. Lost his bounce and his zest ya might say.
I know he's grieving because she was a friend,
(There's no memorial service here; burial will be in S. Dakota)

So, Any suggestions? Any experience out there with this sort of thing? How do I guide a young person thru something like this? He talks about it a little, but doesn't seem to want to be coddled or mothered over. (grrrr!!)
A few years ago, my own mother took her last breath in my arms, so I understand the visuals that are stuck in one's mind, but I wasn't a 19 yr. old kid!
ANY words of wisdom are appreciated! He feels guilt as if he should have visited sooner and thinks he could have helped her!??
Oh gosh, this just breaks my heart! I tell ya, just visiting with you folks on the forums has certainly lifted my spirits these last few days, so I thank you all for that!
I know it hasn't even been a week since this happened...but sure could use some help if anyone has any experience in this sort of thing with young people.
Thanks so much!

(My sincere apologies if I've jumped guidelines and posted something not quite appropriate) Crying or Very sad

Dina Monaco-Boland · Posted: Wed May 30, 2007, 20:51 (GMT) Post subject:

Debbie, Debbie, Debbie,

I am so sorry to hear this-- for you and your son.

I think it's gonna take him a while to process this. I know you want to fix it-- but you can't.

My best advice to you would be to be there for him-- I know cliche but just hang around him not over him. Don't ask questions about how he's feeling. Talk about other things-- anything. He'll open up eventually.

Not to make this about me but my sister is currently dying of cancer and this is what I do with her. We hang out. We talk about sales, make-up, our other sister (yeah, that's what sisters do!) She opens up to me in little and big ways. She doesn't want so much attention focused on her cancer. I'm thinking your son doesn't want a spotlight on the fact he found an elderly woman dead.

Just be beside him and LISTEN. My heart and prayers go out to you both.

September Day Leach · Posted: Wed May 30, 2007, 20:53 (GMT) Post subject:

well, I'm not exactly sure how spiritual you are but that's the way I deal with death. I'm Wiccan and as such we believe that all is intertwined and all is sacred. To my way of thinking, your son was meant to find your neighbor. Too many of the elderly die and aren't found for weeks or months. Remind him that what he found was a shell, a vessel. Her spirit was long gone and enjoying the afterlife. I also believe that he might have a very grateful spirit on the Other Side watching out for him now.

Death isn't easy but neither is birth and he got through that. Just let him know that death in this life is simply being born into the afterlife. No one would really ever want to live forever even if we could. Death is necessary, natural, and when our bodies get to old to do what we want, a blessing.

Let him talk when he wants and let him know you're available but don't push. It's only been a week so give him some time.I've found letters to work well with young men. It's a way to communicate with them without them having to put on a brave face in front of you. Silent support is probably what he most needs. Hard for us women to understand because we want to talk everything into the ground Smile

I'm sorry this happened to him and your family but I'm so happy your neighbor's body didn't lie there neglected and that perhaps there is family in S.Dakota who will be able to see her and say a final good-bye which may not have been possible had she been there a day or two more. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family Debbie!

-September

Lynne Alston · Posted: Wed May 30, 2007, 21:44 (GMT) Post subject:

Debbie, I'm sure as a mother you want to fix and make everything well for your son, but you have to just hang back, be there in case he chooses to talk. We all deal with death in our own way, its just part of our own growth.

At 20 I dealt with the first death, and still to this day it is painful. I had babysat a boy from the age of 2 through his 7th birthday, he had wanted a bike so I found little jobs for him to do for about 3 months and with his birthday money he purchased the bike, within 3 days he was gone, hit by a large truck, tragic accident, his family kept him on life support for a week and had to make that decision, that I hope I never have to.

I couldn't talk, it was just too hard to contemplate what a waste, I blamed myself, if I hadn't helped him save the money, if I had taken him riding when I had a day off from my regular job..so many if only! Of course now I see the process of life, we come to the earth never promised tomorrow, just here and now.

You son needs space and time to digest what happened, this experience was his and so in time he will learn what the event is meant to teach him.

My prayers are with you Debbie, that God will give you the strength and wisdom in how to deal with your son's pain.

Lynne

Anthony Williams · Posted: Wed May 30, 2007, 21:59 (GMT) Post subject: Hi Deb

Deb,

Sorry to hear of your Son's loss. Viola must have been a real good friend. I can only try and add words of encouragement to tell your son that Viola's going to be ok.

I was once told that I should not forsake an old friend; for the new is not comparable to her. A new friend is as new wine; when it is old, I shall drink it with pleasure. Viola's that pleasure for your son!!

Words of poetry for a friend: Viola

I miss you more than words can say,
I think of you each single day,
I love you like my sister and friend,
I'll always think about you ,it will never end,

The more i think, the more i weep,
at least i have memories to keep,
I know we'll meet again soon enough,
but i can't wait cos this is tough,

every time i see a pretty flower,
i think of you then my eyes shower,
every time i take out my photo pile,
i look at you and me and i smile,

all the memories i hold in my heart,
no need to miss you, we're not apart.

My Condolences
Tony

Joe J Thomas · Posted: Wed May 30, 2007, 22:36 (GMT) Post subject:

Debbie,

I'll send some good vibes your way (and to your son).

His down mood, although painful to watch, is a normal reaction. He needs to work through the grief. Just your being there is a great help, I'm certain.

Words fail me,
Joe

Sid Whatley · Posted: Wed May 30, 2007, 23:35 (GMT) Post subject:

So sorry Debbie. It sounds to me like Post Tramatic Stress Disorder or PTSD for short. Most people have it after serious accidents or witnessing anything tramatic....like our soldiers. Believe me...I know. I have it due to a horrible freak car accident 7yrs. ago when I hydroplaned, crossed the median and hit an 18-wheeler head-on. I was ejected & dragged down the highway 900ft. so I was told. My right leg was amputated above the knee and the doctors re-attached my right arm. They gave me a 10% chance....thats all. I woke up 68 days later.
It took me almost 2yrs. to come out of the depression and I'm fine now but still have horrible dreams & thoughts because of PTSD.

A good psychogist (PHD) can help if it continues....and sometimes it can last a lifetime. Hope this helps.

Alan Simmons · Posted: Thu May 31, 2007, 01:49 (GMT) Post subject:

Debbie,

My condolences to Viola's family, and to yours. What a great son you've raised. While her death and the events surrounding it have been difficult fr him (and will be for a while), he can take comfort in knowing that Viola felt appreciated and loved because a young man chose to spend time with her and be her friend. The last season of her life was a happy one because of him. As for helping him, it's just going to take time. He'll talk when he's ready. Do keep an eye on him for signs of depression; what he experienced was difficult. Our love and prayers to you guys. Hang in there.

~Alan

Michael Murphy · Posted: Thu May 31, 2007, 02:20 (GMT) Post subject:

Debbie,

Being a nurse and as a Nursing Supervisor, I show many family members their deceased loved-ones. I also see many people in this condition. Although it is shocking especially to someone who hasn't dealt much with death, he will get over the shock.

He sounds like a very nice young man and he should think about how much she appreciated him helping her and about the good or at least pleasant times he had with her. He should try to focus on positives.

In time his memory will be less sharp and he will learn to deal with it.
He also should try to focus on other thoughts. Just be there for him and let him talk when he is ready. Let him know your there for him and when he is ready he may talk more about his feelings and be able to get past this.

If he would like, have him talk to a counselor and work through his shock and fears.

Give him time. He will improve.

Mike

Heather Ruby · Posted: Thu May 31, 2007, 03:58 (GMT) Post subject:

Debbie: So sorry for you guys.

I second that suggestion of getting him interested in a few counseling sessions. They can do very experiential things involving his own ability to process with or without a memorial service. He can work with the counselor to maybe write her a letter and possibly say what he didn't get to say to her before she died, then have a burning ceremony where the ashes of the letter rise to the sky, etc. He needs tangible ways and legitimate outlets to grieve.
If you don't know of a good counselor in your area, check the ACA, American Counseling Assn website, and/or ask around to trusted friends, etc.
Best of luck, Sounds like you're being sensitive and caring. He needs to be the one to do the work, so urge HIM to take the action.

Crying or Very sad

Stephanie Deis · Posted: Thu May 31, 2007, 04:06 (GMT) Post subject:

These are some really smart people! All I can really do is echo what they have said.

A week is not very long, and it is normal for him to need a period of adjustment after something like this. The best thing to do sometimes is to be there and say nothing. He may need to process what happened before he can verbalize it. I'm sure you want him to be "back to normal", if there is such a thing, but I think I would be more worried if it didn't affect him at all.

I had a friend pass away suddenly at the age of 26, due to a brain hemorrhage. Another friend of mine was chatting with him online, and he just stopped responding. His mother found him the next morning. It was a shock to all of his friends, and the aftershocks continue to ripple out years later. It was very difficult at first, but even though it didn't seem possible at the time, after a while we all started to heal, although we never forgot him. I'm sure your son's experience will be similar.

Life on this earth is a vapor. We all know that, but it is rare to see it with such clarity. I'm so sorry that you both have to experience it this way. May this experience somehow be used for good, once the healing process begins. I will keep you in my prayers.

Colin Campbell · Posted: Thu May 31, 2007, 04:12 (GMT) Post subject:

Debbie...

I don't deal with sadness well. When I read Anthony's poem, I cried. I usually shrink away from such sadness because I can't deal with it. Normally, I wouldn't post anything but this thread has touched me so deeply that I had to say SOMETHING.

I would say that Anthony's poem echos any beginning of anything I could say. He is a true poet.

I have a four year old son that doesn't yet know pain and I ache knowing that he will find it someday.

Bless you and your son. Keep the faith. I know it's tough.

Debbie Deutsch · Posted: Thu May 31, 2007, 04:41 (GMT) Post subject:

Oh, I can't tell you enough how much your kind thoughts and uplifting words have reassured me thru all of this. You have all brought tears to these eyes and I am so grateful to all of you to take the time to talk me through this.
Scott hasn't yet cried for sweet Viola, and that's what worries us, and I think after a few more days, I'll have him sit here and read through your touching notes and letters. I think it will really help him set things down right in his heart.

When I read about the trials and heartbreak some of YOU have endured, it makes me so, so proud of you all. The human journey is truely a mystery, is it not? I am so grateful for this forum and for your friendship.
Thank you all for being so candid and open about your life's journey. You are ALL truly a blessing!

Always grateful, Debbie Deutsch and family

September Day Leach · Posted: Thu May 31, 2007, 11:57 (GMT) Post subject:

Debbie,

This is a poem that always gives me comfort when I start to miss those that have passed. I hope it will help Scott!

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the snow on the mountain's rim,
I am the laughter in children's eyes,
I am the sand at the water's edge,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle Autumn rain,
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the star that shines at night,
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die

Ronald T Robinson · Posted: Thu May 31, 2007, 14:26 (GMT) Post subject:

Unfortunately, Debbie, I won't be around for a week or so to do follow-up with you, but here's a quick & dirty technique I use with my clients in my "other" life.

Have your son read this and do the exercise exactly as I offer it here:

Have him sit down and pretend to watch a movie of those few hours in question. This movie is one in which this fellow goes through the experience and your son is simply watching it. This should take no more than 30 seconds or so and will include - like a news-reel - only the important stuff being covered. He can watch himself freaking out, panicking.... the whole nine yards.

It will be a black & white, grainy movie and will start a few minutes before he went into the house and was feeling fine and end at the time where he had, more or less, recovered. (This may be a few hours or a day or two - whatever.)

After he has watched (pretend) the movie of himself, he can then pretend to fly on to the screen into his own body at the end of the movie and relive the whole experience backwards! - like he is part of the re-wind. This "re-wind" part of the exercise... part he does in color!

This, like all re-winds, happens fast... about 3 seconds. He pops out of the movie at the start and reorients himself to the room. (The sensation is kinda like being sucked backwards through a roller-coaster ride.)

Have him do this "re-wind" part of the exercise 7 or 8 times.

After that, ask him how he feels about the experience.

If he does the exercise precisely, he will get the relief.