19 years!!!

Caryn Clark · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008, 19:11 (GMT) Post subject:

LOL yes Scott... you did post last year about your marriage. I dunno if it was on your anniversary though. I very well could've been. That's ok, I like hearing about good marriages... hear too many bad stories.

Here's one of the quotes you gave that I love and try to live by:

"When each person is motivated to do kind things for the other rather than make demands on the other, the marriage thrives. Strife results from one partner making excessive demands on the other whereas happiness results from honoring one another."

Ain't that the truth!!

Scott Pollak · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008, 20:46 (GMT) Post subject:

No way I posted that, Caryn. That's too profound!

Doug Parks · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008, 20:51 (GMT) Post subject:

Good stuff, Scott and Caryn. Thanks for sharing.

Caryn Clark · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008, 20:59 (GMT) Post subject:

LOL... you don't even know your own profoundness!!!

Lee Gordon · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008, 21:22 (GMT) Post subject:

Clinton Nobles · Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008, 22:11 (GMT) Post subject:

MUCHO congrats to Scott and all those who have posted!

John Bigl · Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008, 00:01 (GMT) Post subject:

Thanks for your story Scott P. ... It really does sound as if the hand of providence was at play ....

You said an interesting thing which caught my eye: "we find our best match when we're really not looking for it"; and your mentioning of "being desperate for a relationship" got my attention as well....

I'm no marriage wizard or relationship guru in Oprah's cue but, i've learned that being desperate for a relationship or love always ended up a disaster w/ lots of collateral damage. Desperation and the irrational need for love brought out the worst in me: controling and manipulating persons and events in a vain attempt to get what i wanted, and raising a fuss or slipping into a state of misery when i'd lose.

When you said, "we find our best match when we're really not looking for it" reminded me of how Lise and i really started to be one in marriage, meaning that i had to stop looking for it (a perfect marriage/relationship), stop trying too damn hard, and let go of my demands that it be the way i was searching for it to be, and just let it BE.

I practiced "do nothing", which was the hardest thing i've ever done. I did not try to manipulate, demand that Lise be how i wanted, control events, or demand that life fulfill our dreams. Instead, i grew aware of and accepting of all that is given. As i did this, odd things happened, we become more and more fulfilled, we grew in compassion and simplicity.

This stepping back and yielding, observing events slowly and fully, allowed us (mostly me) to act out of loving kindness towards each other, rather than make demands. Our happiness is the result of honoring one another, accepting one another, and being one of and within each other. I call it an intimacy that goes beyond but also envelops romantic love.

But, she still hoards all the U's if she thinks i have the Q while we're playing scrabble. She can be evil that way, and makes me wanna cuss in french. merde !!

David Bosco · Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008, 03:48 (GMT) Post subject:

John:

Funny you should mention Scrabble. It's games like Scrabble, Monopoly, or card games where my wife and I will allow any expression of hostility to rise between us. It's in the guise of the competitive spirit, but it's a vent none the less. No name-calling or violence. More playful than anything else.

Lee:

Lost and Profound sounds like it could be the title to the next great American novel. Get to work on it!

Lee Gordon · Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008, 04:50 (GMT) Post subject:

"It was a dark and stormy night ..."

Dave DeAndrea · Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008, 05:27 (GMT) Post subject:

Love is...

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
Love does not demand its own way.
Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.
It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Love will last forever.

Allison Scussel · Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008, 07:00 (GMT) Post subject:

Scott P: Happy Anniversary! I'm very happy for you and your wife and the joys you've shared together so far. Here's to many more to come. noch cooler

Scott F: I absolutely LOVE your story! You should be writing romance novels.

When the day comes I find that rose bush with out thorns, I'll let you all know. I'm one of the unfortunate that keeps getting pricked. Laughing

Here's to true love!

~Allison~

James Lorenz · Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008, 17:36 (GMT) Post subject:

Some great and inspirational stories here. Happy Anniversary Scott!

I met my wife shortly after ending a previous 5 year relationship. We quickly became good friends over the next year. When friends asked me one day why I wasn't asking her out, I remember replying that if I did I would marry her eventually. I didn't want to get tied down after my last lengthy relationship, looking to enjoy the single life.
That didn't last long as I couldn't think of anyone else but her and finally asked her out. That was 20 years ago in August (married 13).
She is the best friend I've ever had and feel blessed everyday for being able to share our lives together. We laugh almost everday and haven't had a real argument in probably 10 years or more. Many people have commented about how we are always smiling when we're together and many have asked if we're brother and sister.
Even as we went through a tough time about 5 years ago, we didn't argue. She just felt maybe there was more to it all. It was the only time in our relationship that I felt that I needed to work at it. Plenty of distance and understanding brought things back when I realized I was making her laugh again. I will always remember the moment when it looked like we would be all right.
My only advice would be to know what the other person needs and when they need it. Whether it's encouragement, a soundboard or some quiet time, know how to read your spouse. My motto has always been: "Whatever makes her happy" and if you're both thinking that, life will be good.